johnmdemarco posted on December 14, 2009 19:22
This is the time of year when our e-mail inboxes are inundated with requests from well-meaning parents, seeking donations for group gifts to the awesome teachers, coaches and volunteers who serve our children in a variety of capacities. And at the risk of provoking critical thinking, I would like to declare enough already!
It’s not that I do not appreciate the work and time invested by these fine individuals. I certainly do, and were I in their shoes I would enjoy (although not necessarily expect) both some tangible and intangible appreciation.
My issue is more with the collective guilt trip facilitated by the senders of said e-mails, and their motives for sending in the first place. I recently learned of an e-mail from one such sender who admonished a large distribution list of parents by declaring that an impressive (in my opinion) amount of money raised for a particular leader “didn’t seem like enough.” Well, exactly how much IS enough, anyway? Enough guilt already, I say.
Let’s talk about the motives, now. Why must someone always “coordinate” a “group gift?” Why not, instead, trust that those parents who are paying attention to the positive impact being made by these teachers, coaches and volunteers will decide on their own to express appropriate appreciation for the contribution?
Is there a fear, perhaps, on the part of the officious e-mailer that the parent might indeed not give (in their socio-economic opinion) “enough,” and therefore somehow offend the teacher/coach/volunteer (leading to their immediate resignation) and subsequently embarrass the entire group of families with children (including, especially, the aghast sender of the email himself/herself)? Or maybe the concern is that no type of monetary or tangible gift will be provided at all…that, I daresay, a simplistic yet heartfelt “thank you” will be all the ungrateful parent chooses to offer. Even if written on nice stationary and expressed in someone’s own penmanship, it’s not worth much compared to a gift card to Target or a trinket from a tony downtown shop , is it? Better not take the risk of seeing whether a parent executes personal responsibility; that’s not good for our society at large.
This speaks directly to the consumerist and entitlement mindset that is particularly pronounced during the holiday season but on automatic pilot year-round as well. Certain people are constantly ripping the reins of responsibility out of others’ hands before they get a chance to make a decision about how to properly express appreciation or thanks. The “coordinators” always err on the side of spending in order to validate caring. Your heart is measured by how much you can manage to give, despite the lack of responsibility you might exhibit in order to give it.
What message does this ultimately send to the young persons who are benefiting from the very teachers, coaches and volunteers we are attempting to thank?
First of all, it underscores the assertion that a collective contribution is always more significant than the scrawny, misaligned offering of an individual. Second, this dynamic sends the clear message that no one really means “thank you” or “I appreciate you” unless there is a significant amount of money or stuff attached to it.
Yet our children—and most of us, if we look deep inside—ultimately value relationships more than anything else. Kids might get caught up in all the glitz and glamour of the ubiquitous products offered by the marketplace, but pay attention to what makes them joyful and it’s the love of a parent, friend, teacher, coach or volunteer. And what are a couple of key aspects of such love? Heartfelt appreciation. Genuine thanks.
I’ll forget most of the tangible gifts someone provides to me in order to express their gratitude, but I’ll always remember their words. I keep a manila folder full of little notes, e-mails and cards that people have given me across the years to express their appreciation. I’ve spent whatever money a few of them have also given me, and used up and tossed out whatever stuff they might have sent my way as well. I remain grateful for the money and the stuff, even though I no longer possess it. But their words continue to live in my heart.
Especially because I’m guessing that no one repeatedly e-mailed them and demanded that they express their gratitude to me in a specific, well-orchestrated manner, mandatory word count and all.